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Lawsuits: Your New Best Friends

Whatever happened to the good old days?  We used to have proper manners.  Now, we as a society have fallen into the pit of uncouthness, incivility, and rudeness to others.  It is about time that we got back on the right track and introduced better, stricter codes of etiquette... and for those who choose to disobey, merciless punishment.

Decades ago, people had no qualms calling others various derogatory racial or sexist titles.  Thankfully, this foul practice has been eliminated by political correctness lobbyists, but the vulgarity still goes on every day in our society!  Everywhere we go, we still hear terribly inappropriate adjectives being applied to individuals: "smart," "suave," "pretty," "courteous."  The usage of these terms undoubtedly makes the addressee feel different, atypical, and unequal to others, breeding insecurity, low self-esteem, and a feeling of self-worthlessness.  Just as the terminology referring to race, color, gender, or intellectual, economical, political, religious, ethnic, or cultural affiliation has been slowly weeded out of our language over the years, so should ay remarks highlighting a person's individuality be thrown out of usage, for fear of (understandably) hurting a fellow human's feelings.

So what happens when someone decides to disregard these rules meant to improve our society?  Decades ago, there was little more to do other than swallow your pride and absorb the insult.  Today, thankfully, we have a very powerful tool at our disposal: suing.  Lawsuit - the best invention since the guillotine - allows you to take revenge on your aggressor, as well you should.  If you're a member of the female sex and a man holds a door open for you, sue him for all he's got - how dare that chauvinistic pig assume that you're incapable of opening the door yourself?  If a guy throws an appreciative glance at you as you're walking down the street, sue him - what does he think this is, a peep show?  If someone, heaven forbid, should dare touch you - a tap on the shoulder, a shake of a hand, a high five - sue them at double the price for such a blatant invasion of your bubble of privacy.  Heck, if a person's standing too close to you, causing you discomfort, why not sue for that?  If your friend passes you in the hallway without a word of greeting, sue - that "friend" was clearly snubbing you!  Don't listen to the perpetrators' flimsy excuses, such as lack of awareness, attempt at common courtesy (oh, there's a good one), exaggeration, or misinterpretation.  Legal persecution offers a great method to redress your emotional, societal, mental, intellectual, or self-esteem wounds, so go ahead and use it every chance you get!  Not only will you be able to send yourself through college after a year or so, but your friends and foes alike will gain greater respect and reverence for you and will finally start treating you as a human being.

If we open our minds, this line of thinking can be used to fix all sorts of social problems that our society faces.  Anyone who gets in your way ought to be sued immediately; "violation of privacy and emotional damage" tends to sit well with the juries.  Feel like making a quick buck on the street?  Find a jaywalker and sue him for causing you emotional distress.  Just think how easily you'll be able to coast through life simply by suing people for various discriminatory practices!  Poor grades in school?  A college won't accept you?  An interviewer doesn't want to hire you?  All are blatant unconstitutional discriminatory practices levied by teachers, admission offices, and corporations, and this is just the beginning!  So go out there, take your life into your hands, and squeeze all the juices out of it... before you inadvertently bump into someone and get sent to death row for homicidal assault.